The Reason
by Sazmuffin
Summary: HP. Angsty. Rated for character violence and character death in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

"The reason I hate you is because I love you!"

Well, this is where I end up. Having the one person I could've ever imagined myself with, hating me beyond all comprehension. How could I have been so stupid? So blind? I can't forgive myself for this.

If I could, I never would have infatuated myself with him. If I knew of all the bruises and scars behind the milk-white skin, of all the conflict swirling around in his stomach, of all the confusion clouding his psyche and mind.

Every breath taken from his thin, pale lips caused him pain. Every steady beat from his heart made him wish he could just tear it out and die, a slow, painful death.

I wonder what went through his mind every time he was faced with the Dark Lord. . Every step taken, every spell cast, must've conjured up SOME thought. . Right? This. . This man cannot be the lonely, undiscovered soul he believed himself to be, so devoutly. .

Why sleights of fate and treachery always seemed to find him, I shall never know. Ever year it seems the same thing. Horrible things happen to him, never failing to cease.

I thought I was helping him. . I thought I was helping ease the emotions plaguing his mind. Really, I thought I was. I used to say nothing is set in stone, but he is. . I thought I was taming him, I thought I was breaking him, I thought I was helping. .

I suppose I only just realized that no one can be helped. . If they don't want to be helped. He never did say he wanted to be helped, by anyone. I hate that. I can't stand it. Why, if someone obviously needs help, don't they take it? It's only polite!

That is why I replied like this. .

"That makes no sense, Harry Potter! You can't hate and love me at the same time!"

And he replied like this. .

"Oh yes I can, Pansy Parkinson! I hate you simply because of the fact that you and your 'posse' have hated me since before. . I don't know, WE EVEN ENTERED THE DAMN GREAT HALL!"

"What kind of logic is that! You hated me because I hated you?"

I wanted to scream at him. To cause him pain for even thinking I hated him. I've never hated him. I've always felt the same way about him. Love. Love for every part of his being. I loved his green eyes, I loved his black-like-the-night hair, I loved everything.

"YES!"

"Harry, you need a slap in the face if you think that! I didn't hate you, I loved you past all reasoning!"

R/R!  



	2. Chapter 2

"Pansy, I'm begging you, please, stop!" 

I heard his voice ringing in my ears, through the door. His fists and feet and body made repeated attempts to open the door, but I locked it. I needed to be alone while I did this.

I looked down as the small scissor blade pierced through the white skin of my wrist. Thick, dark red droplets of blood fell from my arm, and onto the floor, my shoes, onto my fingers. I barely felt a twinge of pain. I took a glance at the latest punctures, fresh and just starting to close. Then stealing one at the old ones, my face softened. They were scabbed, some starting to heal. I looked at the partially blue vein that connected my wrist and arm. I knew in my head and my heart that if I cut that, I would end my life. I'm not ready.

"I'm not doing anything!" I called back to him, the lies almost blurring my vision.

"Then why don't you answer the door?"

I paused and tried to think of an excuse.

"I'm changing! I AM a girl, you know!"

I smiled at my brilliance. I knew he probably didn't believe me, but right now I just couldn't care less. I wanted to be alone and think about all these. . emotions. Confusion, anger, obsession. . I didn't understand a thought in my own head anymore. One conclusion led to another question, and then that led to another question, in a vicious circle. It's enough to make one's head explode!

The bangs on the door ceased. I knew he was still out there, calming his raging temper. I knew he'd probably be raking his hands through his heavy, black hair, losing some hair in the motion. He'd probably start pacing in a moment or two, just to have to something to occupy his physical mind. He might start to chew his bottom lip, like he does when he gets nervous or confused. If he meant what he said about loving me, he might even start crying.

"Pansy, why won't you talk to me? You've ignored me ever since I told you that I loved you. You've avoided me in the halls, you won't let me catch your eye during breakfast, you don't even meet me after dinner for our walks. . I miss you. ."

He sat next to me by the lake, running a finger tip along the scars. He took my other hand in his, and slowly smoothed his hand over mine. A small shiver went up my spine as his warm hand began to heat my cold one.

"Pansy, why would you do this to yourself?"

His melodic voice came to my attention, pulling me from the stupor of his fondling. I shook my head slowly, looking down. I felt his eyes on me, penetrating the wall I tried so hard to make during my youth.

Harry raised my hand and kissed it, and then traveled down my hair, kissing the scars. I closed my eyes, willing the tears to not fall. I don't know what I'd do if they did. They fell.

"Damn," I took my other hand and wiped away the tears, but Harry took my other hand, and replied,

"Why are you afraid to show me your true feelings?"

I looked up into his green eyes, feeling compelled to spill out all my guts just because I knew he'd listen.

And that's when he did it. He removed his hand from mine, and pulled my chin towards him. I hesitated, but he was ever so gentle. The fingers that clasped my chin moved to slowly brush over my cheeks, while our lips touched.

An explosion of feelings erupted inside me at the moment. I closed my eyes and hoped he would continue. I inched closer to his warm body, feeling his arms take hold of my hips and pull me into chest. I opened my mouth wider, and let him do the rest.

I have no idea how long we occupied ourselves like that, but I do know one thing.

Someone saw us.

R/R!

Hey, thanks guys! I just started this story around August, so just spam me with reviews when you want me to update. XP.


	3. Chapter 3

I can't even comprehend this. Why he acted the way he did when he saw us, why he was there in the first place, or way he grabbed me away from Harry and held me tight, much to my displeasure.

A few years ago, I was infatuated with this man. Every day, my life revolved around what he did after classes were finished, what he ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and who he befriended. He couldn't stand me, I had always thought. Since we were on opposite sides of the rope, I never really knew what he thought of me.

But this time, this time he took me into his arms when I didn't want to be.

"Get your hands off her!" Harry yelled at him, standing up, a look of anger and jealousy on his handsome face.

My lips curled into a smile, at the fact that Harry would defend me against all others. Especially, his one enemy in everything but evil.

Ronald Weasley.

"Harry, you knew! You knew Pansy and I love each other! And yet you go and snog her! I thought we were friends!"

It's true. Ron and I had become an somewhat of an item in the last year. I remember the day like it was yesterday. .

I was, surprisingly, studying in the library, when Ron had come in as well, for whatever reason. He looked at me, and I looked at him. Our eyes met at the one moment in time, and it felt like I knew him personally. It felt like I had held him in my arms before, it felt like I had seen him cry before. I felt all his emotions in that split second of time. It was then no one noticed the flunkey in the dark.

I murmured his name softly. Any softer and he probably wouldn't have heard me. It was then when I saw a single tear roll down his face and onto his graying robes. I stood, my robe trailed behind me, making me feel like a queen that was approaching one of her subjects, and took him in my arms, letting him weep silently on my shoulder.

It was then on that we met silently, not to love or fondle, but to cry all the pain from our souls. He thought us an "us", I thought us each other's savior.

"We are friends, Ron. . You just don't seem to understand that you and Pansy aren't what you think you are."

I smiled at his words. They were truly the words of someone who had said some wrong things in their life and paid heavily for them. He was one that thought before he spoke.

"Then what are we?" Ron asked, keeping his attitude under control.

I gulped. I knew this was my question.

"Ron. . We aren't anything but two, very trustworthy friends who tell each other everything. I couldn't feel for you what I feel for Harry. I'm sorry if I've led you to believe something that is false."

I freed myself from him, and stood next to Harry.

I looked on at Ron, who seemed to have a delayed reaction to all this news. I waited for his reaction.

Wheee! Another update! You like? Review! I'm welcome to flaming.  



	4. Chapter 4

I swear to the Lord above, everything was going so amazing until ten minutes ago. Of course Ron was still a little touchy about us, but that's not the problem right now. Right now, there is the pressing matter of being a Slytherin. 

In being a Slytherin, I know most of the goings on in the Dark Lord's plans. As we all know, the Dark Lord wants to kill him. And me, being his girlfriend, makes me the prime subject for his treachery. They all think I'm with Harry so that it'll be easy for me to lure him to his death.

And that was how it was supposed to be, back when I did not have any feelings for him, back when all I did was let my drool drip onto Draco's shoes.

I'm tired of being their marionette, just there to play the part of folly. I have not told Harry of my original plans, because I knew it would break his heart. And when his heart is broken, mine is. I can't stand the thought of him having pain. . I want to take it all away from him, take it as my own, for once, give him a sense of impregnable safety.

How would I tell him? How would I stare up into that beautiful face, into his ever-green eyes? I would perish on the spot. The lie that I harbor is eating me up inside. Soon, I'll have nothing left but scars and a few apprised memories.

I don't want memories. I want to live them, over and over again so that they never fade away. I don't want them to become clouded or disoriented.

My eyes stared to look at the scissors. I had thrown them into the waste basket days before, but then retrieved them when I was called upon to do this heinous deed.

This was my deed. .

I had to kill myself, for him to come to my rescue.

Yes, I know. Very short. But you liked it, no? XP


	5. Chapter 5

How in the blue hell do you tell someone news like this? It's not everyday someone comes up to you claiming they have to kill themselves so they'll rush to your rescue, is it? Besides, he is very wise, I doubt he'd come since he knows I'm a Slytherin and prone to have to take insane missions in order not to be killed. 

Of course, he might come, knowing I used to cut myself and haven't gone through "therapy" he says is enough to realize killing myself isn't the answer. The time I should be telling him everything, I waste in sighs and wondering what he might say when I do, eventually, tell him.

That is what I do. I waste time. I stare out of my window, my eyes not focused on anything in particular. My hands perspire, my mouth dries, my nose runs, but I don't do anything but sit there and think about things that will never happen.

Thoughts about getting out of the hold the Slytherins have on me, which is next to impossible without dying, about living happily with children and Harry, things a small, petty little girl day-dreams about. But that's what I am. A small, petty little girl. That's what I'm thought of, anyway.

My colleges don't think of me as a young woman of seventeen, they think of me as a pawn in their plot to become rich and control the world. How mainstream is THAT for a Slytherin? I can almost feel my palm slap my forehead in disgust.

I have no idea what is going on around me anymore. And frankly? I'd rather spare myself the confusion and disgust I'd receive if I paid attention to them. It seems the only grip on reality I have is when I'm with Harry, when all he says or does are the things that matter.

I kept quiet. I didn't tell anyone while the plan was, ever-so-slowly unfolding. The Dark Lord assured me that the plan would not be put into action for a very long time. Still, I couldn't help the chill that ran up my spine every time I entered the Slytherin common room.

Have you ever felt frozen? Incapable of feeling anything warm? Like being happy or hearing something funny or meeting someone sweet? That's how I feel, forever, since I was assigned this mission.

Draco walks around, looking at me as if I'm stupid for not welcoming the chance to give my life for Voldemort. But what would he know? He couldn't even finish his own task last year, and that was when he was supposed to kill someone ELSE. Not himself.

I laughed at the thought. If there was anyone that was completely and utterly not willing to give up everything they want for something someone else wants, it was Draco. Stupid prat.

Sorry! I had so much stuff to do!  



	6. Chapter 6

It's not the things we say to out lover that make us grow in our relashionship, it's the problems that happen when you aren't expecting them. 

I tried to use this philosophy in tell him about my mission. It failed. It failed horribly.

I told him the philosophy, and he looked at me oddly. A wince contorted his face and lips into one unknown to me. I had never seen him look like that. With those words, he spoke terror running through my veins.

"So you know?"

I arched my brows, confused. Keeping my head, I replied,

"Yes, I know."

"I've tried talking to her about it, but she denies everything."

I blinked quite a few times then. That was definitely not the thing I was expecting. Another woman?

"What are your feelings toward her?"

A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. He took one of my pale hands that sat on the arm rest, and kissed it, holding it to his face.

"The are of no matter to me. Whatever feelings I could've had for her pale in comparison to the feelings that reign my heart."

He brought me into his arms then, running fingers down my arms and shoulders, siring goose bumps.

It was an odd feeling, knowing that one person could alter my feelings with just a few words. One moment I could be depressed and upset, and one touch from him felt as if the sun had broken through the heavy clouds and shone onto my body. It was odd, but welcoming.

It gave me a since of security, knowing that he would never hurt me and tried his best to keep my moods up and light. Through all his trouble and maltreatment, he still finds it in his heart to put energy into another human being's emotions.

A thought burst into my head right then.

I don't deserve him. I don't deserve him at all.

I'm sorry they're so short. I've been so busy lately.  



	7. Chapter 7

**A/N**: Sorry it's so late. Like I said earlier, I've been sosososoosos busy. Please review/flame/crit!

I spent the next days wondering who the girl Harry was speaking of and why he was speaking of her. My first thoughts were on his best friend, Hermione Granger, but then I realized the Gryffindor girl had her eyes on the latter of my relationships. Ronald Weasley.

As I walked down the halls, I took a glance or two at the girls around me. I began to put them into groups. I knew Harry was something of a heartthrob at Hogwarts, gaining fangirls left and right. What with his thick, dark black hair and green eyes, any girl would feel like a queen to date him solely for his looks.

'Course he didn't believe that. He thought himself nothing special, just like he had the years before Dumbledore had told him what his scar really implied.

On matters of my mission, I suppose killing myself could be an option ro end all this pain and confusion. Harry has told me otherwise, of course, back when I didn't have a justified reason for kicking the bucket.

He knows something is wrong, since I hold band whenever we are talking about serious things. I can't help but wonder what he thinks I'm holding back. It's common curiosity, really, it is. Does he think I'm dating someone else while I'm dating someone him? Does he think I'm cutting myself again?

"Have I done something to upset you, Pansy? Something that you don't want to tell me?"

I must say, I hadn't expected that from him. I know he is one to always take blame, but this. .? I have always said to him, he is much too hard on himself. It his biggest fault. And caring for everyone and every thing, walking hand in hand to his doom. He says he cannot help it, that it's in his nature.

"No, not at all. This is not your fault whatsoever."

I sighed. I hate lying to him. And then, he asks,

"Then what is troubling you, my darling?"

I am about to assert the mother of all lies.I saw Harry talking to Ron today. I heard my name and the word "love." My heart nearly stopped beating. Could that really mean, that he loves me?

He told me not a month ago, that he did, in fact, love me. I just happened to believe that a heated conversation drive someone t say things that they didn't mean.

Harry tells me he does not sleep well anymore. Ghastly dreams that plague his slumbering form.

I sit here, my legs stretched out and crossed, the sea green of my Slytherin badge glistening in the sunlight. Oil in my hair and spit on lips, I think. I think about him, my mission, the mystery girl, and how I am going to weasel my way out of coming to the Death Eater meeting.

I can always say I'm progressing in wooing him, like I did two weeks ago. Although I'm afraid they will not believe it again.

To believe such a thing would take a mighty convincing lie on my part. The Dark Lord knows when someone is lying to him, but I have yet to know why.

I suppose doing so wouldn't be construed as lying. I could make him go a little wild, and not be accused of lying. Hmm. . Not a bad idea.

I decided to carry out my plan on our nightly walk. I would say "I love you" to him, and it might set his mind off. I know it's cruel, but I shall do what I must to keep this relashionship alive. I love this man, and I won't let him slip away like water through open fingers.


End file.
